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Who Can Participate

While we appreciate your interest and intrinsically inalienable patriotic desire that compels you to perform the duty of your nation without question, it is with a heavy heart we must admit that not everyone is eligible to participate in our program.

Sure, some are better qualified than others, and others still are ineligible altogether, so we’d like to lay out a handful of guidelines to help you understand our decision making process. While these are not hard-and-fast rules, they are pretty quick and solid, and we put them together in a remarkably hasty fashion. One could fairly say we weren’t just expedient, but impulsive, but this trend has served our national policy of Global War on Religious Extremism so far, and only so far as we’ve excluded Christian Extremism, a definition we’ve deemed oxymoronic.

Our national habit of impetuous and some might even say irrational decision making has been highly effective in securing our national soil from attack thus far, so we’re not about to mess with a thing so coincidentally effective as this just yet.

Who Can Participate:

• • United States natural citizens (born in-country, not Panama like some might ask),
  • Christians, preferably Evangelicals,
  • Persons whose families are NOT comprised of “dark persons”,
  • Convicted felons and/or sex offenders, provided you have completed your debt to society,
  • Persons registered for jury duty,
  • Persons who are known and verifiable in their community as upstanding (background check will apply,
  • Persons who do not have a current or past passport or state issued identification card,
  • Anyone who has already passed such stringent background checks as state security guard or Travel Security Administration standards. Many argue these are nonsense, cursory and otherwise totally irrelevant checkups, but if they’re good enough for your government, they are good enough for THIS government as well as our third-party bonding agency,
  • People named Howard, Stewart or William. It’s a system glitch, and one we’re working to close, but in the mean time, these are open ports for passage of potentially dangerous persons,
  • Past, present, future, retired and summarily dismissed persons of law enforcement, regardless of motivation or reason for termination, honorable or otherwise, decorated or not,
  • If you have a five-to-ten year (continuous) pattern of successful procurement of hunting and/or fishing license, you may be automatically fast-tracked for adoption.

Who Can’t Participate:

• • If your home is supplied by propane or natural gas,
  • Muslims,
  • Dark persons, darkies or persons of darkness,
  • Households with immodest women,
  • Resident aliens or those living within the United States on any foreign Visa,
  • Farmers (due to nitrate-laden fertilizers and other such immediate access to bomb-making materials),
  • Persons, families, companies or agencies with direct access to pigs or swine waste products,
  • Attorneys,
  • Persons named Leroy, Le Roy, Francis (male or female), women with Adam’s apples, or anyone whose last name ends in the letter “e”. This is also a system glitch, and a regrettable one we’re working to quickly remedy, but in the interim, we apologize that we must necessarily extend this cautionary measure. At least it has a better reason than the whole zip-lock bags at airports business,
  • Women living in households without one or more “mate” men within the home,
  • Homosexuals (butch AND lipstick both, sorry),
  • Persons previously arrested in Hookah-related paraphernalia crimes,
  • Incumbents,
  • Felons, except for those convicted of arson, assault, burglary, drug-related crimes, molestation, rape, theft or vehicle-related crimes,
  • Persons of immoral character are likewise limited from participation.

These rules are subject to periodic and constant adjustment as necessary to protect our homeland, so please check back often. If guidelines are updated in-house, they are immediately effective and binding, and should ideally be noted as such on the site within thirty (30) days.

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