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See Something, Say Something

We can’t be too concise about this matter, nor can we legally be too vague, but it basically boils down to this; if you see something, say something… unless doing so would violate human or civil rights, or laws pertinent to your municipality, or put you in personal jeopardy, or cause you any inconvenience, unless you sincerely believe you must, then definitely you must.

• Be alert to unattended packages, even in your home, office or car,
• Be wary of suspicious behavior, even if it is of your own, or that of your own spouse, child or parent,
• Take notice of people in bulky or inappropriate clothing, even though they are extremely unlikely to have a bomb, they may at least need to be reported to the fashion police, if not the fascism police.
• Report exposed wiring or other regularities, especially to your landlord or super, even if you’ve reported them before. If he doesn’t fix it, report him to the Department of Homeland Security. He’s unlikely to be a terrorist, but you can’t be too sure, and you need your damn wiring fixed already, one might argue.
• Report anyone tampering with security cameras or surveillance equipment. Not because they’re terrorists, but what the hell man, what are they trying to do?
• Don’t travel drunk, high or stoned. High is one thing, but down and out unto impairment is a sure recipe for being reported, perhaps out of simple spite, and that’s nothing you’d ever want. We know this because we know what the search, seizure and interrogation procedure is like first hand. By “first hand” we really mean “whole hand”, so be careful.
• Show No Winky, See No Winky – Don’t pull your diddle-worthy ding-dong out in public unless you want others to see that something and say some something about it, thus making you a terrorist by hypothetical fear extension, which we believe is a real thing.
• Look out for overly hot hooker rocking in public. Make sure any man near a bus, train, airport or government building is hammering the dry-socket of wisdom out of an egregiously ugly prostitute with true passion, not abject acceptance. The hottest of hookers may be co-terrorists, especially if they are Russian, Ukrainian, Georgian (state and nation both) or Cuban. This is not a broad generalization, but those East Bloc girls give it up in public like nobody’s business, generally speaking.
• Stop being a po-po narc. The cops know who you are as sure as you knew who they were before you turned sides, and just as surely, they’ve already ratted you out. Unless you’re hanging on a single fix, run for the hills and clean your ass up, because if you don’t, you’ll be hanging from somewhere nearer within the week, and that’s just friendly advice. Everyone can spot the rat except for you… don’t you think that might be a problem for you?
• If you see a man between the ages of 28 and 45 picking his nose while sitting in traffic, you must immediately call the police and report him, because this is a terrorist signal for cooperation, and if it’s not you that sees it, one of his fellow operatives will, and the next overpass will be the graves of you and all your fellow commuters. Don’t be put off by the fact that he’s not a “dark” person. Even whiteys can work in sleeper cells.
• Have you seen a person that looked out of place in a location where he, she, it or they might not have should to have been? Say something. That’s how international manhunts for persons not accused, charged nor suspected of crimes are ever brought in for interrogation.
• If you see any person with a camera, specifically taking photographs, especially in places frequented by large numbers of people, such as tourist attractions, you really need to report all of them. If you can’t tackle them before the police arrive, at least try to take them down by two-hand touch, but try to keep it along the shoulder or belt line, as to avoid potential for lawsuit.

Really, you good Americans performing your duly appointed patriotic duty are the only line of defense we have in the interior, save for Wyoming, which has more Homeland Security than New York or California, each of which have at least 50-times the population, plus international airports and coastal exposure.

Everywhere but Wyoming (specifically Cheyenne) we need your help. The plural of anecdote is data, and only you can stuff our coffers with random numbers that will make a beautiful mind montage that can only make sense to us, so we thank you for saying what you see, seeing what you do, and doing what you must, which is report it and adopt a Gitmo insurgent.

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