Email An Insurgent To a Friend

Rules & Guidelines

While there are no hard and fast rules you must adhere to once you’ve taken a released detainee in to your home, there are a number of guidelines you may wish to bear in mind in order to make the experience the most positive and pleasant possible for such trying circumstances, but not rules exactly.

Please use the following suggestions as a general guideline, though bear in mind that these are not commandments so much as vague intimations as to how you should treat your interactions with your house guest.

Here are the rules:

1 – Do not keep any fertilizer or any other “potential bomb” materials on your premises at any time. This may include, but is not limited to: Ajax, signal flares, fireworks, hairspray, shoes (some exceptions permitted), baking soda, sugar, salt peter, batteries and battery acid, two-liter bottles, calcium carbide, carboxylic acid, aluminum foil, nail polish remover, peroxide, Lamisil, sodium, charcoal, zinc, iodine, Benzoyl peroxide, hydrogen peroxide, Alcohol, magnesium (even wheels from bicycle of wheelchair), Pine Sol, stool softener, baby powder, floor wax, nitroglycerin (common in heart medications), vinegar, and Vaseline. Other items may already have been added to the list that you are unaware of, and these are also prohibited.

2 – It should be forbidden that the women of hosting families ever show more than their eyes at any given time, due to the prickly nature of religious sensitivity. Sure, you may want to wear a turtleneck with full-length pants, but you and your daughters simply must be modest, or else they’re probably going to be raped for their “blatantly whorish ways”, the penalty for which under Sharia law is death. Those are their words, not ours, and we need to respect the religious and cultural differences of our guests.

3 – If you you keep an unread Bible in your home (even devout Christians admit to reading only the important parts, not the whole tome,) you may wish to consider taking the time to personally urinate on it and/or set it aflame in front of your new property, just so you can be on the same page, as it were. They’ve endured this for their holy book while in captivity, and while this step is by no means required, it can help you quickly reach a common ground from the outset, which may prevent you being scalped in your sleep, a practice believed to be common among these people.

4 – Preach the gospel, but don’t over-preach it. Try to find similarities between your Good Book and that of your godless heathen’s scribbles of heresy contained in that tainted book of lies written by the Prophet Muhammed, peace and blessing be upon his holy name.

5 – A strict curfew is important, but not as important as keeping a constant eye on your insurgent. Early to bed, early to rise, keeps your ‘rab suspicious, subordinate and afraid you may kill him in his sleep.

6 – You must have a dedicated sleeping area available, such as a bedroom, guest room, rec room, den, large closet, cubby, partially cleared area of floor, or level crawlspace with proper ventilation. Our agency will spot-check homes to ensure this space is available and provided, so no cutting corners.

7 – Withholding food as a form of punishment is not allowed, nor is it allowed for reasons other than punishment like “just because” or “because it was inconvenient to feed it.” You will be legally required to provide your guest with at least two meals a day of no less than two slices of bread. Hot meals must be provided at least every third day, and clothing changes and showers are required at least once per week.

8 – Limit extremely strenuous or humiliating work to an amount that you think is reasonable.

9 – Keep your fist-punchery to a modest 5-strikes/hour, whenever possible.

10 – Do not use your new friend to teach you the graces and subtleties of ululation, unless you secretly wish to be a damned A-Rab yourself.

11 – Try to keep the Middle Eastern and Muslim jokes to a “reasonable and prudent” amount, but if you can’t, it may be understandable. Bear in mind that a complaint for such reasons may be brought by your “guest” at any time, though we will not provide him any language services, all hearing will be held in English, and that he may be detained in a tiny, concrete room indefinitely before we actually do so.

And most of all, have fun! This may be a trying time, but we’re confident you and your new subject will find this a rewarding experience during the indefinite period it will last. Thank you for doing your American duty, and may God bless you, your home and this great land.

 My Insurgent.com Articles

See Something, Say Something - We can’t be too concise about this matter, nor can we legally be too vague, but it basically boils down to this; if you see something, say something... Read More

Dos and Don'ts - If you are not a “rules” person, like most of our adoptive families, you may do better to skip our formal pages of formal rules and stick to this handy guideline of dos and don’ts to keep your compass pointing north. Read More

Adoptee/Detainee Profiles - Please browse and choose through some of our many profiles available, and if you see one you like, click to learn more and continue to our adoption page to request your very own “guest” today. View Profiles

 MyInsurgent.com Testimonials