Email An Insurgent To a Friend

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

These are some of the most commonly asked questions we have to answer. If your question isn’t covered here, we invite you to ask us using the contact page. We can’t reply to all inquests directly, as even the house of congress has learned, but we do read some of them sometimes when we are able to and so inclined.

Am I allowed to torture my adoptee?

No, you are absolutely forbidden from “torturing” your adoptee. The United States does not endorse, condone, permit or strongly encourage the use of any forms of torture. We do however permit and even suggest you utilize the benefits of stress positions, sleep deprivation, extreme heat and cold, water boarding (simulated drowning), starvation, humiliation, exhaustion exercises, prolonged isolation, sensory bombardment (extreme noise, light, etc.), forced nakedness, sexual humiliation, exploitation of phobias, cultural humiliation (such as desecrating holy scriptures), and sub-lethal physical battering… but not torture. That is strictly forbidden and will not be tolerated under any circumstances.

What will my detainee do all day?

What you do with your new detainee friend is entirely up to you. Perhaps he’ll tutor your children, work in your garden or perform household duties. If you don’t have children or a garden and can’t imagine permitting such a radical to work in your home, consider locking him in the basement until you return home in the evening, or from a vacation of undetermined length. Ultimately the choice is yours, and up to your best judgment, assuming you have any good judgment at all.

Am I responsible for my prisoner’s actions?

Yes you are. Whatever your insurgent does against America, whether real, perceived or potential, the fault will ultimately fall on you. If you’re considering this adoption as a way to “free another human being”, you may wish to rethink it, because letting your insurgent run wild with his naturally un-American ways ultimately only land you both in adjacent cages in unnamed, presumably nonexistent prisons in Eastern European nations.

Can I call my home-arrestee by salty names?

If you mean derogatory terms like “Arabica Beaner”, “Democaracy Lesion”, “Rug Butter” or “Camel Blanker”, then yes you can, but try to keep it within reason. Bear in mind there’s a slim chance, like maybe 98% or less, that your house guest is a casualty of a civil feud back in his home land, and that he isn’t in fact any sort of terrorist at all. What a miscarriage of justice it would be to host a humble fecal farmer and have the audacity to refer to him pejoratively as a Shepoord. Though they obviously place their butts on rugs throughout the day for no legitimate reason, it’s no grounds to actually call them rug-butters to their ugly, bearded faces.

Is it safe to house a would-be terrorist like this?

In all honesty, no it isn’t, but this wasn’t our decision. If we had our way we’d keep these freedom haters locked up in their suicide-inducing cubicles until they die, presumably from suicide, as has so often been successfully the case in the past, but it seems the Civil Libertarians have other designs for them. The liberal judges of the Supreme Court (specifically Alito and Roberts, yes, I’m talking to you!) don’t think suspension of every right upon which America was constitutionally founded is a good thing, so we have to let them go. We don’t have any nations that will take them due to political pressuring so heavy-handed it could damn-near press a diamond out of coal, not to mention all the time, money and energy we’ve spent demonizing them. The final word is that we have to charge them with some crime (which we can’t, since none was committed) or send them home (which we can’t because their home nations won’t take them back.) It may not be safe to put them in your home, but you, the American people, apparently demanded it, and as a democratic nation, we gladly bow to your will by forcing you to take them in to your homes while assuming all associated costs and risks.

I really like friends, how many of these guys can I have?

At this time we are limiting participants to just one insurgent. Supplies are limited, so act fast to make sure you can get one of your very own!

What do I get for taking in a potential coulda-been terrorist?

Not much, really. You’ll enjoy that warm feeling that so often sweeps over true patriots performing uncomfortable times of war (though we’re not at war), as well as a modest monthly stipend which will be paid on or about the first of each month from the private contract firm we’ll hire in a no-bid contract to administer the program. We’ve allotted only $8,000 per month for your hosting of such insurgents, so you, as a host family, should expect to enjoy as much as $936 of that, which you can use for any real, ancillary or imagined costs as you see fit.

What if I change my mind later on?

You are free to do so at any time, if you feel the relationship with you and stenching-of-curry housemate has not gone as planned. Simply place a call to the number provided in your welcome package and expect a knock on your door within 7-10 business days. You will forfeit all funds received to date, due in full upon return of your insurgent, and we’ll thank you for your participation with a letter signed via mimeograph by still-president Bush himself.

What language will my adopted friend speak?

Your new house guest may speak any number of languages including English, French, Spanish, German or other languages. You may use this to the advantage of yourself, your children, your friends or your neighbors to learn some of the more interesting of the European languages. Please bear in mind however that very few of the house-friends will actually speak any of these languages, but rather any of a number of obscure, globally insignificant and doomed for extinction languages so common amongst insurgents. It is also extremely unlikely that prisoners will have any command of the English language whatsoever, but that’s for the best according to federal guidelines.

What red flags should I look for to report?

If you are hosting an insurgi-buddy and you’re on the smart lookout for the telltale signs that he is trying to make America a hotbed of insurgency, or trying to participate in a sleeper cell, you should report it immediately. Some of the more common signs of this behavior include a desire to be free, interest in assimilation, acceptance of the fate of living in America, facing towards Mecca periodically throughout the day, literacy, and even attempts to be helpful around the house.

What cultural clashes should I beware of?

Between the common resistance to hearty foods like pork and a near-obsessive penchant for facing East a half-dozen times a day, it’s really hard to say which cultural difference may ultimately become a divide in your family. One thing that some families may find as a mixed blessing is the dogged protection of women in the household, especially teenage girls. As a father myself I know what it’s like to see my princess dating, so when I think of the notion of having my houseguest murder her for dishonoring me, I have mixed feelings. If she’s so dirty as to entice a boy to impurity, it might be nice to have someone intervene to take the actions necessary that I’m incapable of doing, and my insurgent will do that if he comes to know that my little girl permitted a premarital kiss or holding of hand. We can’t always be there to see what our kids are doing, but our insurgent buddies can, and they can make a body disappear quicker than that teenage boy on the varsity track team could shake his stick at.

What if I wish to terminate the adoptee?

We get this question a lot, mostly from southern states, and we’re not entirely sure the semantics of the question play out properly. If you’re asking if you can kill your adopted housemate for no reason, the answer is “NO!” If, however, you have a necessary reason to terminate him, that may be the only option in many cases. As an adoptive head-of-household, you’ll be granted the honorary position of Officer in the United States Army, and your captive will be granted the rank of private. This is a war, and you’re a warrior, and if he doesn’t accept a direct order, you have the legal right to kill him for insubordination. You can’t be prosecuted in a traditional court of law, even if it’s a wrongful death, but rather in a kangaroo court of obscured-from-public opinion military tribunal, which is more or less a formality, much as it is on the more traditional field of combat.

I’m sorry, I meant the adoption. What happens if I want to terminate that?

Oh my, sorry, I misunderstood. That happens from time to time. You will lose possession of your insurgi-pal, and be required to immediately repay in full the whole amount of the custody contract, valued at around $8,000 per month (even though you only likely received $936, less expenses, of that amount.) If you change your mind after three months you will be required to repay the full $24,000, of which you would have duly received around $2,808. Don’t worry though, you can recover the difference from the contract provider in civil court, though you will likely need to file suit in order to do so. For returning your insurgent and forsaking your duty as an American shirker, you will not face any criminal charges or other politically motivated negative governmental action, so essentially there is no downside to changing your mind once you’ve signed to take possession.

Does adopting a detainee entitle me to any special tax benefits?

You can increase the number of dependants you claim on your tax return by one whole integer. Even though the tax benefits to the working class have been deep and unbelievably beneficial in stimulating this tinkle-down economy, this extra few hundred dollars a year will be just like getting an Economic Stimulus Check every year you house an insurgent! Also, the income you receive for performing this noble civic duty is only taxed at the higher of your regular income rate or short-term capital gains rate, so no matter what you’ll come out ahead!

I have already contributed to John McCain’s presidential candidacy; do I still need to adopt an inmate?

There is no correlation between your party affiliation, voting record or campaign contributions, and the likelihood that you will be permitted (or required) to adopt an insurgent from Guantanamo Bay, but between you and me, it doesn’t hurt. If you are not in a reasonable position to help out our nation and tow the party line, we will understand, but barring significant contributions to the “greater good” in other (monetary) ways, you may find that your secret vote alone may not be enough to protect the nation for you, or you from it… I can’t be any more plain than that in an official capacity, if you catch my meaning… and if you don’t, you’re our kind of voter.

How soon will I start receiving my checks?

Our biggest commitment is to ensuring that compensation checks are expediently processed. Unlike when we sent our first wave of troops in to harm’s way, when we somehow failed to pay them in ways so terrible they lost houses and cars, even though they were so busy killing A-Rabs they couldn’t even check their mail we weren’t forwarding to them; this time we’ve got it all figured out. You will immediately be compensated for housing your prisoner for whom you are indebted to the soul for. For example, if you take possession on the first of January, we will process your paperwork no later than the 15th of that very same following month, and upon satisfactory review, issue a check within 90-business days thereafter, barring administrative second-level review or clerical oversight.

What should I do if I find my wife having an affair with my detainee?

Well, technically the “honorable” thing would be to put her to death. If this is not a course of action you can consider (though as they say, once you go tan you’ll never go better than.) The smart money says you should secretly inject him with a horribly exotic compound while he’s sleeping, then claim he attacked you and set him aflame while he sleeps. Ideally you should do the same with your wife, though it may be a tad suspicious, so consider throwing them on them same fire and call it a double murder in the passion of such heat they combusted. Juries eat that Shiite up.

What’s the official position on human pyramids?

Our official position is usually either tippy top like the eye of Attu or standing in cheer beside with a digital camera, but beyond that we don’t have any statutory stance, but to say that if you’re really going to humiliate, you better make damn sure they’re all bagged of the head, and that nobody brings a camera. We got away with thousands of those across the whole world, and only the five retarded rednecks dumb enough to get snapped in aperture were actually convicted, so take that with a grain of salt.

Should I take my detainee to decadent western places like Chuck E. Cheese, Disneyland or the Wet Pony Ranch?

You should always maintain a very short leash with your insurgent, but the best service you can do to him and your nation would surely be to indoctrinate him quietly into our over-consuming, decadent western ways. Chuck E. Cheese may be too loud, and Disneyland too overwhelming, but the Wet Pony Ranch is very surely a great way to break him of his Islamic spirit (not the one in Sparks, but the good one out by Huffakers Hills, that one is WAY better.) If you’re willing to spot your Bro-Ham a quick quid to get him some rocks off in a gigantibooty sista or Mexicali Churro-hole, it’s a small price to pay to guarantee our nation will never again be decimated (which doesn’t mean destroyed, as popularized by Bush Sr, but ‘reduced by a percentage’), then you can’t do much better (or worse) than this place (except at the Sparks location, which I totally discourage, especially Brandy, because I’m pretty sure she’s a dude, and she’s not even that good either way.)

Can my new, interned friend help out with chores around the house or business?

Certainly yes, this is one of the biggest reasons behind our desire to launch this program as we have. Once you take possession of your Arab you will become the de facto owner of said towel head, and it’s a luxurious benefit you should provide to your great nation without apology. That’s up to you. What’s up to us is whether or not you enjoy the free-market American freedom necessary to make reap full benefit from your Arab, and yes; you can. Make him scrub toilets, cook you dinners so loaded with curry you crap yourself inside-out, or just make him climb the cherry trees to pick the fruits most forbidden. What you make him do, once he’s yours, is entirely up to you; and we trust without any doubt you’ll do only and exactly what’s right by all involved, meaning “you” specifically.

What happens if there aren’t enough adoptive families?

Participation in our program is voluntary, and we hope to find enough willing families to take on indentured Arabs to make it work. If we are not able to find enough lovers of freedom and humanity to fulfill our Supreme Court mandated requirement to empty Gitmo, we may be forced to make the program mandatory in the future. We hope this will not be the case. If it is, we can place at least a dozen at Mitt Romney’s polygamist mansion (not proved), and we’re confident he’ll accept it since he said in presidential debates that we should “double” the detention facilities at Guantanamo Bay. Turns out they were illegal all along, but we won’t tell Governor Romney if you won’t.

If we do not find enough host families we’ll be forced to make some very difficult decisions, since these internees have become nation-less due exactly to our runaway fears based on the protection of our unusually safe borders. We may have to give them witness-relocation-grade identities along with government jobs, or we may just have to commit to quietly mulching them for nutritive value along with any records of their having been in the custody of the United States, which should be pretty easy, since we don’t have a whole lot of idea who these guys are in the first place.

How does Cuba feel about all this?

Who can be sure, but they likely view this as the lesser of the two evils. Let’s face it, this isn’t very evil at all! Besides, at Castro’s age, who knows what that guy is ever thinking. Just don’t ask why we have a base on his island, why the embargo continues, or about our many failed assassination attempts ranging from dissident stabbings to lung cancer. Let’s just leave Cuba out of this.

I have a lot of pent up post-9/11 resentment, should I consider adopting an insurgent?

If you have the spare cubby and the desire to earn a few extra dollars by performing your civic duty, yes you should! Put aside your notions that the man you adopt, turban wearing and praying to Mecca and all, that he is somehow a missing link in the 9/11 conspiracy. He isn’t, probably, but maybe he is, you just never know, do you? Maybe we only let him go because we lacked sufficient evidence to prosecute even though we knew all along that he was one of them… anyhow, if you’re looking to find a punching bag to vent your 9/11 frustrations, you may need professional help. Or you may not, and you may just need to adopt a Gitmo killer from our expansive inventory of available adoptees.

Can I take sexual advantage of my in-home detainee?

Well, technically I guess you can, assuming you have their consent (a lack of verbal refusal in the plain English they never speak is also acceptable) but we have to ask you right back, especially considering how uncomfortably many times this question is asked; why do you want to know, do or even consider such a thing???

I’m lonely and no one will date me, can I use this program to find a husband?

Yes, technically you can, but please be advised that if you marry your insurgent he will become an American citizen, and thus be able to drop you for no reason at all and move on with his life within 3-5 years. If this is really what you’re considering, think about having a civil service performed without a state licensed marriage authority on hand to record the event, so that if it does dissolve in a few years, you can still retain full possession of your prisoner. Further, if you do complete a marriage, you’ll immediately become ineligible for further imprisonment fees as laid out in your penal contract.

Aren’t these guys all just terrorists?

Well “yes”, but by “yes” we probably might legally mean “only probably, but yes”. Think about it, these guys have been in jail for six years. They wouldn’t have ended up there in the first place unless they were guilty. Any reasonable court would have given them the right to a speedy trial by a jury of peers where they could see the evidence against them, and allow them to disprove it. That didn’t happen, and we all know that, so what conclusion can you make? In case you’re still in doubt, check the pallor and tell me what color they are, and if the answer is “dark” you’ve probably got your answer right there, even if these men hadn’t already spent the better part of the Bush administration in prison.

What kind of shackles should I use to bind my new friend?

There are no specific rules as to what sorts of forged stainless steel retention/detention devices you should use to properly keep your new friend close to home, right where you want him, but we will provide you with a catalog from one of our security contractors upon completed application. Due to potential for negative publicity, we are restricted from divulging their name at this time, but let’s just say they are the largest provider of detainment devices to US law enforcement as of 2008, and we’re delighted to continue our business relationship with them, and not just because of a contract California congressman Duke Cunningham cemented, but because their ill-fitting, uncomfortable, usually functional cuffs have proved more often effective than deadly in the course of law enforcement.

Are there any female insurgents available for me to exact my patriotic rage against, I mean host?

First of all, to make a request by gender is an obvious case of discrimination, and this agency is no place for such inequalities, and we’ll do nothing to promote or encourage it. There are no female inmates currently interned at Guantanamo Bay, but we have been told that certain person in influential positions are working to change that, and if we can, we’ll make them available to the general public once we’ve finished giving them the old once-over in the interrogation bedchamber, as it were… you may not wish to adopt them for the same reasons you wouldn’t want the dudes, but just imagine all the abuse about 30-degrees further south, if you catch the whiff of my stanky drift.

What happens if nobody adopts these America-hating terrorists?

Then democracy and freedom will fail. If you don’t believe me, just ask me and I’ll tell you. Check out our ADOPTION page to learn more about getting an A-Rab of your own today.

If I adopt one, can I murder it?

“No”. While we have murdered 100,000 of them directly, it pales in comparison to the near-million we’ve facilitated in terms of them murdering one another. It’s like in Vietnam where we lost tens of thousands of troops will the Vietnamese lost millions. Same basic principal except that those guys were only pawns in a communist proxy war, and one well fought, even according to the likes of the late saint Nixon. Ask the current administration or anyone in China or Russia and they’ll agree, it was a smart war and one well fought on all fronts (except for the actual battle fronts, which were pretty brutal.) You can not “murder” your insurgent, but you can kill in self defense, or if it requires being put down like a horse or other cattle, so bear that in mind, nod in complacence, and pull the damn trigger already.

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