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Dos and Don’ts

If you are not a “rules” person, like most of our adoptive families, you may do better to skip our formal pages of formal rules and stick to this handy guideline of dos and don’ts to keep your compass pointing north.

Here they are in barely any particular order of relevance:

• • Do perform your patriotic duty.
  • Don’t hate freedom, unless you hate America, and unless you want the terrorists to win.
  • Don’t sexually abuse your detainee. These are all dudes, mostly bearded, so it really isn’t cool.
  • Do keep a watchful eye. Even if you have to periodically burst in while you think he’s taking a shower or using the toilet, it’s a small price to pay to protect our great nation.
  • Don’t keep fertilizers, gun powders, or bomb making books (even ones of the novelty variety.) These guys are super safe to have around, but you just can’t be too safe, if you understand my meaning.
  • Do teach your insurgent to speak English.
  • Don’t teach him too much English, or you don’t know what will happen.
  • Do respect his rights, personal, religious and otherwise.
  • Don’t respect them too much, or you just can’t imagine what may come of it.
  • Do show him things American to help him understand how great the nation is he once wished to unseat.
  • Don’t take him to 7-11, or before you know it he’ll own one himself.
  • Do subject him to televised sports like baseball, football and basketball, since these American staples can convert all but the most impossible of foreigners to American compassion and sympathy.
  • Don’t let him tell you that soccer is called football. He’s mistaken, lying or confusing that silly sport only American children play with a rough & rugged sport enjoyed only by the largest of black Americans, thus permitting white people to believe, however briefly, that they are not in fact the dyed-in-the-wool racists that they may in fact be.
  • Don’t physically thump him with your Bible. Remember, they have the same constitutionally protected rights as you do, apparently, so try to be as patient as possible.
  • Do allow yourself to “metaphorically” thump him with your Bible, as you feel it necessary. Remember that Islam was a set of stolen texts taken directly from the Bible for the convenience of ignorant Jawa incapable of understanding it in its original language of ancient English. Don’t beat or berate so much as massage gently with it.
  • Don’t forget to submit your monthly activity log and funds request, because those not received prior to the third of the following calendar month may be subject to delays.
  • Do enjoy the riches bestowed by your thankful government for the service you’re so deniably performing in unverifiable ways, probably.
  • Don’t be “vindictive” about the whole thing. You’re getting paid a fair share for performing your national duty, and it’s maybe not his fault you’re paying an extra $50 per week for gas, or that your food costs have tripled for your family this year. Don’t forsake him for it.
  • Do allow yourself a little bit of “explanation” for your frustrations. If you’ve suffered at the hands of exploding food, fuel or housing costs, and your wages or employment haven’t managed to touch the runaway pace enjoyed by the top 1/10^th of a percent, you may wish to put down a “moderate smack down” on your guest. This isn’t because he “caused” it, but because our necessary war against his nation(s) was directly responsible for the pillaging and devaluing of our American Dollar to all-time lows, and that’s nothing he can apologize for without anything short of blood. We forbid “punishment”, but this hardly qualifies.
  • Don’t feel too bad about whatever it is you do in the treatment of your “guest”.
  • Do consider the official rules before taking drastic actions against your insurgent.
  • Don’t hide what you’ve done to discipline your Gitmo Buddy, even if it results in the death of one or more person.
  • Do check in from time to time, even if just to let us know where you’ve placed the body.
  • Don’t mislead us about the body, where it is, or why you had no choice but to dispose of it thusly in a fire pit.
  • Do keep your daughters as far from him as possible.
  • Don’t be surprised when she’s raped by him.
  • Do expect him to murder her for tempting him.
  • Don’t be surprised when it happens.
  • Do brain him with a shovel in such cases.
  • Don’t apologize for having been forced to do so. You lost your daughter, after all, or at least an amount of her purity to the curry-laden man-gizm of terror, and for that you need make no apology to kill in the name of honor.
  • Do thank us for this opportunity we’re affording you, and your de facto license to kill.

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Dos and Don'ts - If you are not a “rules” person, like most of our adoptive families, you may do better to skip our formal pages of formal rules and stick to this handy guideline of dos and don’ts to keep your compass pointing north. Read More

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