Name: Yahoodi Msafer

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Arabic

Detained For: Unspecified grounds by way of information

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Saudi Arabia by nationality, but they won’t take him back. He was picked up in Afghanistan.

Special Skills: He can herd goats very well and has worked with trained shepherd dogs. May also be proficient with small game milking.

About Him: This terrorist has been nearly a model inmate, even though he keeps bowing to pray to a false god at predictable times during the day. If you really want to mess with him, change the time on your clocks and see what he does!

His Dreams: According to his interpreter, the one thing he dreams most of is finding a new home. Not sure about the translation but it’s either “a new home” or “to go home”, but probably the former, because his old home was probably akin to a topographic anus in the worst bleached sector of nowhere.

Name: Mikham “Michael” Ba Sefarat

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Farsi

Detained For: Suspected ties to Al Qaeda

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Iran, picked up in Afghanistan

Special Skills: Excellent weapons and explosives understanding, but not a good aim and not precise at all. Very good at ululating and shooting in to the air, as well as throwing goats

About Him: This inmate has been pretty good, has only participated in a few of the hunger strikes, and has a limited number of mercy suicide attempts. He has always told us what we needed to know and even swore on our stack of Bibles. Later found out that didn’t matter, but he’s a good guy.

His Dreams: He wants only to go back to his home land and see his children once again. We haven’t had the heart to tell him he’s listed as a criminal there and they won’t take him back. Also his village is probably gone due to a GPS oopsidaisy, most likely exacted by Canadian forces.

Name: Emshi Kteer Fatora (Kevin)

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Urdu probably

Detained For: No reason given

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Paki-Afghan border

Special Skills: Great at helping out on hikes, nature walks, camping and finding razor thin gaps in an internationally established border, perhaps even like he had once done so to make safe passage for Osama bin Laden, but we don’t know that and he wasn’t charged.

About Him: He’s a pretty nice guy, this Kevin. We never took the time to find out what his name means, though one guy checked it in Arabic and Farsi and didn’t find anything, so who knows. He’s never made much trouble and bleeds much less than some of the others. We’ll miss when he goes, IF he goes, but time will tell about that.

His Dreams: He really wants to see the blue of the sky, hear the outdoors again and be in a place larger than a few feet by a few more feet. Pretty reasonable dreams if you have a yard for him to run in and an invisible fence you can use to keep him in.

Name: Jaz “Jazzy” Maz

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Arabic

Detained For: Misconduct

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Dubai, we’re pretty sure, but he was disappeared from the suburbs of Kandahar on a pretty standard every-house raid looking for suspicious persons.

Special Skills: Very strong at camel husbandry, sand farming and combating dry skin.

About Him: We don’t know anything about him except that he claims to be an educated computer science professional who had lived in the capital city of Afghanistan maintaining the network for the city library. As such he was an employee of the Taliban government, he was automatically and autonomic ally ruled an enemy combatant, thus interned indefinitely without any sort of legal counsel or contact to the outside world including the Red Cross.

His Dreams: He says he wants to either die or feel grass between his fingers once again. This may be a marijuana inference since Afghanistan is in fact the world’s largest provider of illicit poppy production, which is basically the same thing.

Name: Al-Hamdolillah (Alby)

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Unknown dialect

Detained For: Undisclosed/Unknown reasons

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Middle East

Special Skills: He is up to date on his immunizations

About Him: He’s kind of a dick. Always asking to talk to peace workers, always upset when hooded and punched in the face, continues to feign ignorance of matters we explain in explicit detail, and has twice painted his entire cubi-cell with feces, only once with his own, which is not just suspicious but disgusting when you figure where the balance must have come from and what he had to do to get it.

His Dreams: He’s a simple man with simple dreams. When he first landed on the storied shores of Cuba he was delighted by the weather, but the hospitality quickly wore him down and now all he wants is death to all Americans. I guess he’s never seen a Kate Hudson film!

Name: Samak “Sammy” Al-Bebuquerque

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: French and Arabic, possibly also Moroccan if that’s a language

Detained For: No grounds listed

Speaks English: Very little

Countries of Origin: Libya, most likely. He was abducted without warrant on information from a warlord in Afghanistan.

Special Skills: Better buddy for travel bargains than Expedia.com. If there’s a way to move around quickly with very little money and no papers, this man can help you and your family do it. He’s also very good at reading, though only in Arabic.

About Him: If you want to find a quick squirt through the traffic rat race, you’ll do no better than Sammy. Gas prices are still rising for reasons nobody knows so getting from point A to B so quick you won’t even be detected is exactly what this guy can help you with. When we open cells for the hosing-down he’s out and back in his cubby drying off with pages ripped out of his Quran before we even see he’s gone.

His Dreams: Sammy dreams of a day when he doesn’t want to kill himself or kill others while in the process of killing as many others as he possibly can. He’s a good sport.

Name: Man Az Shotlandia (Scotty)

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Tajik and maybe some others but not certain

Detained For: Accusation

Speaks English: Maybe five words

Countries of Origin: Tajikiland

Special Skills: Would make an excellent Tajik instructor for you or your children!

About Him: He doesn’t talk much since 2003 when he had a pretty bad “fall” here in the facility. You know the old joke, right? How many prison guards does it take to throw an inmate down a flight of stairs? Answer: None, he fell! Well, this guy actually did fall down the stairs, and that’s how he suffered the damage to the back of his head and the clot very deep in his lungs, which also was caused by falling down stairs.

His Dreams: Scotty is pretty much down to finger painting these days, but he’s as sweet as he is sticky, stinky and sweet. He doesn’t want much, just something that isn’t this, and you could be just the family to take him off our hands.

Name: Men Tushunmayapman Uzbek

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Uzbek

Detained For: Darkness in a zone not authorized for being dark

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Uzbekistan or Tajikistan, but was picked up in Afghanistan

Special Skills: This guy can milk a rabbit in ways you wouldn’t believe. He can then turn the milk in to the finest rabbit cheese you ever imagined, and he does it with unassuming grace. If you have cows, goats, sheep or other animals around that might need milked like chickens or cats this guy can whip you up a batch of brie that would make you want to lay down your arms and embrace the middle east, almost.

About Him: He has a beard and pretty blank eyes, though a nice guy. Rarely fights interrogation and makes good cornerstone of human pyramid structure.

His Dreams: He already thinks he’s dead and in whatever sandies call hell, so anything would be a step up for him, just try not to take the riding crop to the face, it makes him spit.

Name: AziraQ Mijazm YoQ

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Uighur

Detained For: Behavior unbecoming a person in a place

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Unknown, no papers on his person, but claimed to be “hmrfstrng”, best we could tell. He was picked up near the Afghan border with Pakistan, and he was acting very strange.

Special Skills: Licks walls, floors, bedding and everything in his vicinity.

About Him: We’ve been requesting special assessment for over four years, but we’re pretty sure he’s a retard. He has no skills, doesn’t seem to know his name, doesn’t change disposition even when we whip him out of his mind, and he loves to draw with color crayons, even when the lesions on his legs are [REDACTED].

His Dreams: We’re not sure, but the interpreter said something about what he thought was pudding. In all fairness the interpreter barely speaks Arabic and I have no idea what language this guy talks, so even if it’s a perfect interp we’re only going to be halfway there.

Name: Abu Jaddah Fakir

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Russian, Arabic

Detained For: Undisclosed but probably reasons of national security

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Jordan, but abducted in unspecified nation

Special Skills: Nomading

About Him: He’s a nomad, according to him, and we believe it because when we allow him his monthly exercise in the hallway he just kind of wanders around like he’s looking for water or a wildebeest.

His Dreams: We don’t know them at this time. Our Russian and Arabic interpreters have not been in for about eight months, so we could only guess. Our guess would be that he dreams to wander, even if it would be on the aisles of a Costco.

Name: Evli (Elvis) Misiniz

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Turkish, Spanish

Detained For: Robbery

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: He says that he’s from Spain but he never had any papers, and was picked up in Kabul saying he was a heavy equipment manufacturer’s representative, and that’s crazy if you ever saw the country and how blowed up it is, so there you go.

Special Skills: Claims intimate knowledge of hydraulics and pneumatics, with a modest (master educated) understanding of engineering, if you can believe all that.

About Him: He’s sharp as a tack and kind to a fault. He’s the guy we never put at the bottom of the pyramid because, even though we know he’d just take it and ask for another, he’s the guy we know we can talk to the next day, so long as he isn’t peeing blood from the kidney blows. Has helped us figure out how to make improvised armor back in Iraq.

His Dreams: He wants to find a way to worship Allah in keeping with His principles while still killing all American infidels for the injustices they have inflicted upon him, whatever that means.

Name: Shomudrota Kondike (Billy)

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Bengali and some Ubykh

Detained For: Suspicion of attempted illegal border crossing

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Benegal or Morocco, taken in to custody in Afghanistanimation

Special Skills: We haven’t had time to complete his adoption profile, but we think he’s a lion tamer by trade. May also be good with other livestock related matters, and/or drugs & weapons smuggling.

About Him: Billy has been pretty good. He didn’t die when we asked him questions, unlike SOME of the other clowns who came through here. He didn’t give us any information worth a damn, even when we fed it to him like a syringe of our own urine, but none of the detainees did, so it’s pretty much to be expected.

His Dreams: I think he dreams of being dead, or at least being dead somewhere that isn’t here, even though Cuba is a popular destination amongst Canadians. Americans would love it, really they would, but Florida legislators are so damn successful there’s just no chance the travel restrictions will ever lift. Viva Puerto Rico!

Name: Hoverkraftimin ici yılan balıǧı dolu (Joe)

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Devehi and Turkish

Detained For: Improbable cause

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Turkey, but has lived in Germany, and was picked up for detention in Afghanistan

Special Skills: Knows several jokes in German, understands rudimentary engineering well enough to construct or deconstruct a bridge, may even be able to assemble chemicals into compounds capable of interesting reactions, given enough time, opportunity and variety of supply. Good kid.

About Him: Guy with a name as long as Joe’s, we just never know how to take this guy. We choose seriously because he’s a pretty deadpan delivery kind of guy, and it works for him, so that’s what’s up with him. He’s cool, except when he pukes from being punched too low. We try not to do that.

His Dreams: Beating after beating, and maybe it’s just me, it seems like he’s dreaming more and more. Maybe it’s just that his gaze has gotten glassy, but he just seems like he isn’t all here. I’m sure he’s somewhere else, but heaven only knows where. Maybe he got a down payment on his seventy virgins!

Name: Khayyam Karim al-Masri (Albert)

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Arabic and Kurdish

Detained For: Good measure

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Either Iraq or Afghanistan, maybe Pakistan, but we picked him up in Afghanistan

Special Skills: A farmer by trade, he claims very good skills at converting land deemed not arable in to cash crops of lentils or poppy, which is no small feat.

About Him: If you’ve got dirt, this guy is there to analyze it, and he knows his dust from his sand from his soil, and he ain’t afraid to tell anybody passing his cell exactly which is which. It’s a shame because he’s suffered many a beating for doing just that, and we don’t even think he’s got any kind of information at all, but that’s how it goes if you’re a dirt guy from a sand country, I guess.

His Dreams: He wants acres of dirt, perhaps 4 or 5, and he wants to spend every day out there understanding the nitrogen, tending the stocks, and probably fertilizing it personally if you let him.

Name: Motavajjeh Nemisham

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Farsi and Kurdish

Detained For: Indefinite period

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Iraq, we’re pretty sure.

Special Skills: Excellent with construction work, specifically adobe.

About Him: He’s good with adobe and little else.

His Dreams: He dreams of getting out of this spit of stony concrete that is much to warm for him so he can go back to the dessert and work once again with mud.

Name: Mujhe Jana Hai (Jason)

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Bengali, Urdu

Detained For: No charges ever filed, improper travel documents foundSpeaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Tunisia national according to poorly fabricated and likely illegal documents, captured in Sudan

Special Skills: Confusion and bewilderment. Also good at being puzzled, perplexed, baffled misunderstood, muddled and confounded.

About Him: He was a taxi driver with all proper paperwork, but says it was thrown on the ground and ignored because it wasn’t his (soldier said “all you sandies look the same to me”,) so he couldn’t prove that the picture on his ID was him on the cab he was driving registered to his name. He had children and a wife but doesn’t know what might have happened to them and has moved on in his emotions, so he’s a free and single swinger!

His Dreams: Would really like an apology, if possible, and the last six years of his life back. No word back from our superiors as of this time.

Name: Kebir Akhdar Salata

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Arabic and Farsi

Detained For: No charges

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Sand

Special Skills: Bowing down when told, forsaking his god upon request, and making the best of very bad situations.

About Him: He’s a real pussy, especially when it comes to his convictions, so if you’re looking for an easy one, you’re not likely to find any simpler than this lackey.

His Dreams: It’s impossible to say since none of our translators speak any of his languages, even though they’re paid very well and are only held to the most modest of account for their performance, none of which is ever reviewed, so whatever, those guys are dicks too, to hell with them, let them defend themselves. We can’t get a single straight word out of this guy and we wonder why after six years. Jesus crackers these interpreters are a joke.

Name: Franklin “Ana Ma Ba’aref Ahkee Arabee” Pearce

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: English, Esperanto and conversational Spanish

Detained For: Attempted suicide and conspiracy to commit hunger strikeSpeaks English: Yes, native

Countries of Origin: Unknown (claims United States citizenship but does not have any passport or travel documents,) picked up in Afghanistan

Special Skills: Very outspoken and can pretend to be an American so convincingly it’s alarming. Exceptional skills in world history, US politics and journalism. Even likes to sometimes play pretend journalism to entertain the guard.

About Him: Claims to be an American journalist kidnapped, abducted and disappeared while working on assignment in Afghanistan in 2002. We have not checked with the NPR station he claimed to have been affiliated with since it’s obvious he’s just making it up to try to get out of custody. He had no papers and our interpreters said he didn’t speak Arabic, so he’s just been sitting around awaiting charges. Nice guy too.

His Dreams: This person’s greatest desire is to assimilate in to American culture, and be one as if he was actually from here, which deep down inside he feels like he truly is. America is a land of great opportunity, so don’t let his frazzled nature fool you, there’s an “American” in there deep down just waiting to get out.

Name: Eid Milad Sa’eed (Happy)

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Pig Latin

Detained For: Hearsay

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Somalia, Niger, the Niger Delta, or some place like maybe Sudan, can’t be sure. He said, but you know how records retention goes.

Special Skills: I think he was a dirt farmer in the winter and a nomad in the summer who killed a bunch of babies. If you want babies dead, this is your dude.

About Him: He’s so weird we can’t get a handle on him. Maybe it’s all the punches to the head or the way we kept trying to drown him, but when we don’t feed him just lays there and when we do feed him he still kind of just lays there. It’s creepy. He’ll let the ever present Cuban flies eat the mush and nest before he’ll even make his way over for a sickening nibble.

His Dreams: He sleeps with his eyes open, so I don’t think he’s actually capable of dreaming anymore. Might be a factor of him watching our guys saw his wife and kids to bits with the minigun, but it doesn’t seem likely. It’s been a good four years, so he’s probably cool about it by now we’re probably thinking.

Name: Aya (Able) Shomi Farsi

Age: x

Language(s) Spoken: Chumashan, Eyak and Takelma

Detained For: Enemy of freedom-being

Speaks English: No

Countries of Origin: Albania, Al Bania and we suspect maybe also Indonesia, but was captured to protect freedom in Kabul

Special Skills: Subsistence is his upbringing, but he’s taken on a life-minor lately in just-getting-by, and his marks are exceptional. If you want to know just about anything about subsistence farming or not killing yourself under extreme pressures, this guy is your one-stop motivational summer camp all wrapped up in one convenient package you can legally put in the cubby under your stairs.

About Him: Since we had such a limited number of many years here at the camp, we never got a chance to bring in interpreters for him, but he seems pretty nice, and he isn’t dead yet which has to count for something I think.

His Dreams: We’ve come to a consensus that he doesn’t have any dreams and that’s a real value for the adoptive family since he’ll probably think anything is better than this. Especially if he can adjust without burning your house to the ground or savagely sawing off the head of your wife or eldest son in the night. Nice guy, we like him.